Type A Thinkers: When “I’m Fine” Is a Safety Strategy (A Deep Dive into DMM Attachment Style Strategies)
- Maria Niitepold
- 7 days ago
- 7 min read
If you’re the dependable one—the person who gets calm when others get loud, who solves the problem, sends the spreadsheet, remembers the birthdays—you may also carry a quiet truth: feeling can feel unsafe.
In Patricia Crittenden’s Dynamic–Maturational Model (DMM), what many people call “avoidant” attachment is better understood as a Type A self-protective strategy: de-activating feeling and leaning on thought, competence, and control to stay safe. This isn’t pathology. It’s intelligence—your nervous system’s creative solution to mixed, frightening, or conditional caregiving.
This guide goes deep on attachment style strategies for Type A: how it forms, how it shows up, why it’s brilliant, and how to expand your range so that thinking and feeling can work together.
The Core Logic of Type A Attachment Style Strategies
Core rule: “If I stay composed, perform well, and minimize my needs, I’ll be safe.”
Goal: Avoid rejection, punishment, chaos, or shame by keeping feelings quiet and staying in control.
Method: Privilege logic over emotion; rely on roles, routines, and responsibilities; anticipate needs before anyone asks.
Cost: Numbed pleasure and muted pain, difficulty asking for help, loneliness that doesn’t match how “together” you look from the outside.
Why this develops: When care is available for performance but not for distress—e.g., comfort arrives after you’ve stopped crying, or praise follows stoicism—your body learns a powerful association: emotion → disconnection; composure → connection. Over time, the nervous system automates this: it turns down affect before you consciously notice it.
The A-Spectrum: Everyday Translations of DMM A1–A8
Think of these as themes, not boxes. People often move among them depending on context.
A1 – Idealizing“It was fine. My parents did their best.”Omits pain so the attachment figure stays good. Strength: gratitude, loyalty. Growth edge: making room for mixed feelings without disloyalty.
A2 – Distancing“I’d rather not talk about it.”Keeps topics and people at a safe range. Strength: serenity under pressure. Growth edge: approaching rather than avoiding closeness.
A3 – Compulsive Caregiving/Attention“I’m the helper. I’m okay as long as you’re okay.”Safety via meeting others’ needs. Strength: attunement. Growth edge: reciprocal care and receiving.
A4 – Compulsive Compliance/Performance“If I get it right, I won’t be rejected.”Safety via perfection, rules, excellence. Strength: mastery. Growth edge: tolerating “good enough.”
A5 – Compulsively Promiscuous (Social/Sexual)“If I’m charming and admired, I’m safe.”Breadth of contact without depth. Strength: social ease. Growth edge: letting intimacy catch up with attention.
A6 – Compulsively Self-Reliant (Social/Isolated)“I don’t need anyone.”Safety via independence and refusals of help. Strength: capability. Growth edge: interdependence.
A7 – Delusional IdealizationRigid beliefs about safety/perfection (e.g., “Nothing is wrong; everything’s wonderful”). Strength: optimism. Growth edge: reality testing with support.
A8 – Externally Assembled SelfIdentity built from roles/achievements. When roles shift, ground disappears. Strength: adaptability. Growth edge: inner reference points—values, sensations, desires.
You might recognize pieces of yourself in two or three of these; that’s normal.
How Type A Shows Up Day to Day
In relationships
You’re dependable and low-maintenance; partners praise your steadiness.
Vulnerability feels like burdening someone. You share facts, not feelings.
You silently escalate help for others but minimize your own needs.
Conflict strategy: solve it, shelve it, or step away. Tears and raised voices feel overwhelming or… pointless.
At work
You become the “fixer” or informal leader.
You pre-empt criticism by triple-checking work.
Praise lands but doesn’t sink in; the bar resets immediately.
Burnout sneaks up because distress signals are muted until the body protests.
In your body
Subtle signs of chronic tension: tight jaw, shallow breath, neck/shoulder bracing, constipation/IBS, headaches.
Emotions register as physical glitches: “I’m not sad; I just have heartburn.”
Numb/overdrive pendulum: long stretches of fine → sudden crash (illness, exhaustion, irritability).
Strengths of Type A (Don’t Lose These!)
Composure under stress
Strategic thinking and problem-solving
Reliability and follow-through
Capacity to delay gratification and protect long-term goals
Loyalty and quiet acts of care
The goal isn’t to stop thinking. It’s to gain flexibility—the ability to feel while thinking so you can choose connection or containment as needed.
Micro-Patterns to Notice (and Gently Experiment With)
Deflecting care
Cue: Someone asks, “How are you, really?”
Habit: “I’m fine—how are you?” + quick topic shift.
Experiment: Share one concrete body sensation + one emotion word (e.g., “My chest is tight; I’m a little anxious”).
Fixing instead of feeling
Cue: Partner shares distress.
Habit: Offer solutions, timelines, action steps.
Experiment: Try Reflect–Relate–Request:
Reflect: “I hear how overwhelmed you feel.”
Relate: “A part of me wants to help and another part feels worried I’ll get it wrong.”
Request: “Do you want comfort or brainstorming right now?”
Going blank
Cue: Someone’s intense emotion.
Habit: Numbness, checking out, polite smile.
Experiment: Name three anchor points: (1) feet on floor, (2) breath lengthening the exhale, (3) eyes softening. Stay present for two more sentences before changing topics.
A Somatic Map for Type A
Think of the body as your early warning system and your route back to connection.
Common patterns
Breath: high, fast, or held.
Posture: lifted chest, minimal belly movement, shoulders slightly up/forward.
Attention: outward scanning (others, tasks), little inward sensing.
Regulation drills (2–3 minutes)
Lengthen the exhale: Inhale naturally; exhale for 6–8 counts. Repeat 8–10 breaths.
Humming or “voo” sound: Soft vibration lengthens exhale and gently stimulates vagal tone.
Hand-to-sternum hold: One hand on chest, one on mid-back; feel warmth/weight without forcing breath.
Eyes + distance: Alternate looking close (palms) and far (a window/doorframe) to widen attentional flexibility.
Interoception builder (weeklong micro-practice)
3x/day, ask: “What are three sensations in my body—temperature, pressure, movement?”
No need to analyze why. Labeling sensation increases the volume knob on emotion without flooding.
Scripts for Real Life
Asking for help (without over-explaining)
“I can carry this most of the way, but I’d like a partner on the last 20%. Could you review the draft by Thursday?”
Setting a boundary that protects connection
“I want to stay close while we talk about this. I’m noticing I’m getting rigid. Can we slow down and take turns?”
Receiving care when it feels awkward
“Thank you. I’m not used to letting people help, but I want to practice. Here’s one thing that would truly help…”
Repair after distancing
“I went into fix-it mode earlier because I was overwhelmed. I do want to understand your feelings. Can we try again?”
If You Love a Type A Thinker (Partner/Friend Guide)
Lead with safety, not intensity. Gentle voice, slower pace, soft eyes.
Ask consent for depth. “Is now a good time for feelings or should we pick later?”
Offer choices. “Do you want me to listen, reflect, or help plan?”
Appreciate competence out loud. Then add, “You don’t have to hold it all alone with me.”
Protect their dignity. Public pressure or surprise vulnerability often backfires.
When You’re a Clinician Working with Type A
Pace affect carefully. Pair any emotion expansion with strong orientation (room, chair, feet, breath).
Track the body. Note micro-signs: swallow, jaw set, breath hold → name them with curiosity.
Validate the strategy. “Staying composed kept you safe. We’re not taking that away; we’re adding range.”
Integrate cognitive strengths. Use collaborative case formulation, values clarification, and graded experiments.
Therapeutic aim: from compulsive control to chosen containment; from performing okay to feeling okay.
A Gentle Self-Assessment
Which statements fit most, sometimes, or rarely?
I learn other people’s needs quickly; mine take effort to notice.
I prefer conversations with a plan and outcome.
Intense emotion (mine or others’) makes my mind go blank or critical.
I’m proud of being low-maintenance—and I feel unseen when no one checks in.
It’s easier to do more than to ask for help.
Compliments bounce off; criticism sticks.
Rest feels less safe than productivity.
If you said “most” to 4+ items, you likely run a Type A strategy under stress.
30-Day Practice Plan to Expand Your Range
Week 1 — Notice & Name
Daily: 2 minutes of exhale-lengthening + 1 interoception check.
Journal prompt (3 lines max): Where did I say I was fine when I wasn’t? What one word fits how I actually felt?
Week 2 — Share Small
Once every other day, name a sensation + emotion to a safe person.
Swap one solution with one reflection: “I hear you,” “That sounds heavy,” “I’m with you.”
Week 3 — Receive
Ask for one piece of help you could technically do alone. Let it be slightly uncomfortable.
After receiving, practice the sentence: “Thank you, that mattered.”
Week 4 — Rest as Exposure
Schedule two 10-minute rests (no phone, no task). Track body sensations, not productivity guilt.
Relationship repatterning: Initiate one conversation about your needs or preferences. Keep it simple.
What Healing Feels Like from the Inside
Feelings show up earlier and quieter (not as headaches at 10 PM).
Control shifts from must to choice.
You can stay in the room—body and mind—when emotions rise.
Competence remains, but connection doesn’t require you to disappear.
Myths vs. Truths
Myth: “I’m just not emotional.”
Truth: Your nervous system learned to down-regulate emotion to protect attachment.
Myth: “If I open up, I’ll lose control.”
Truth: With pacing and support, emotion increases precision; it doesn’t erase skills.
Myth: “Needing help makes me weak.”
Truth: Selective reliance is a hallmark of secure functioning.
When to Consider Therapy
You can’t feel joy, only relief.
Your body is doing the protesting (insomnia, pain, digestive issues) while your mouth still says “I’m fine.”
Partners/friends call you distant even when you’re trying.
You swing between hyper-competence and quiet collapse.
Therapy offers a laboratory for new experiences: feeling a little more, sooner, with someone who keeps pace with your system. The destination isn’t more drama—it’s more freedom.
Closing
Type A strategies are acts of love your younger self offered to keep you safe. You don’t need to tear them down. You can thank them—and then teach your body a new rule: “I can feel and still be safe.” When thought and feeling travel together, you don’t lose your edge. You gain a life you can feel from the inside.
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